A Scene from Reservoir Dogs by Quentin Tarantino reworked with women

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A Scene from Reservoir Dogs by Quentin Tarantino reworked with women by Jacqueline Valencia

 

 

(INT. UNCLE BOB’S PANCAKE HOUSE – MORNING

Eight women dressed in BLACK SUITS, sit around a table at a breakfast cafe. They are MISS WHITE, MISS PINK, MISS BLUE, MISS BLONDE, MISS ORANGE, MISS BROWN, NICE GAL EMMA CABOT, and the big boss, JANE CABOT. Most are finished eating and are enjoying coffee and conversation. JANE flips through a small address book. MISS Brown is telling a long and involved story about Madonna.)

MISS BROWN
Let me tell you what Like a Virgin’s about. It’s all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song– it’s a metaphor for big dicks.

MISS BLUE
No, it ain’t. It’s about a girl who’s very vulnerable. She’s been fucked over a few times and then she meets a guy who’s very sensitive.

MISS BROWN
Whoa! whoa…time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists.

JANE
Toby? Who the fuck is Toby?

MISS BROWN
Like a Virgin’s not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That’s what True Blue’s about. Granted, no argument about that.

MISS ORANGE
Which one’s true Blue?

NICE GAL EMMA
You ain’t heard True Blue? It was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don’t even follow that Tops of the Pops shit, and even I’ve heard of True Blue.

MISS ORANGE
Yeah, so – I ain’t saying I ain’t heard of it. You know; all I asked is how’s it go. Excuse me for not being the world’s biggest Madonna fan.

MISS BLONDE
Personally, I can do without her.

MISS BLUE
I used to like her early stuff– Borderline. When she got all into that Papa Don’t Preach phase, I tuned out.

MISS BROWN
You gals are like making me lose my train of thought here. I was saying something. What was it?

JANE
Oh, Toby’s that little Chinese girl. What was her last name?

MISS WHITE
What’s that?

JANE
It’s an old address book I found in a coat I haven’t worn in a coon’s age. What was that name?

MISS BROWN
What the fuck was I talking about?

MISS PINK
You said True Blue was about a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, but Like a Virgin was a metaphor for big dicks.

MISS BROWN
Ok. Let me tell you what Like a Virgin’s about. It’s all about this slut who’s a regular fuck machine. I’m talking morning, day, night, afternoon– dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

MISS BLUE
How many dicks is that?

MISS WHITE
*stonefaced* A lot dicks.

MISS BROWN
Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker, and it’s like, whoa, baby. This cat is like Charles Bronson in the great escape. He’s digging tunnels. She’s getting this serious dick action and it fucking hurts.

JANE
Chu? Toby Chu?

MISS BROWN
It hurts. It shouldn’t hurt. She should be bubbleyum by now, but when this guy fucks her, it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You know. Been there. Done that. You see, the pain is reminding this girl what it was like to be a virgin. Hence: Like a Virgin.

JANE
Wong.

MISS WHITE
Give me that fucking thing.

JANE
What the hell do you think you’re doing? Give me my book back.

MISS WHITE
I’m sick of fucking hearing it, JANE. I’ll give it back to you when we leave.

JANE
What do you mean when we leave? Give me it back now.

MISS WHITE
For the past 15 minutes now, you’ve been droning on about names. Toby… Toby… Toby… Toby Wong… Toby Wong… Toby Wong… Toby Chung… Fucking Charlie Chan. I’ve got Madonna’s big dick guy coming out of my left ear and Toby the Jap I-don’t-know-what, coming out of my right.

JANE
Give me that book.

MISS WHITE
Are you going to put it away?

JANE
I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want with it.

MISS WHITE
Well, then, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to keep it.

MISS BLONDE
Hey, JANE, want me to shoot this bitch?

MISS WHITE
Shit. You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

(They laugh.)

EMMA
You gals been listening to K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies weekend?

MISS PINK
Oh, yeah, man, that’s fucking great isn’t it?

EMMA
Can you believe the songs they been playing?

MISS PINK
You know what I heard the other day? Heartbeat (It’s a Love Beat) by Little Tony deFranco and the deFranco family. Lord I haven’t heard that since I was in fifth fuckin’ grade.

EMMA
When I was coming down here, The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia came on. I ain’t heard that song since it was big. When it was big, I must of heard it a million trillion fucking times. This is the first time I ever realized the girl singing the song is the one who shot Andy. Man we old.

MISS BROWN
What? You mean you didn’t know Vicki Lawrence was the one who shot Andy?

EMMA
I thought the cheating wife shot Andy.

MISS ORANGE
They say that at the end of the song.

EMMA
I know, bitch! I just heard it! That’s what I’m talking about!

(They laugh.)

I must have zoned out during that part before.

JANE
All right. I’ll take care of the check. You gals can get the tip. Should be about a buck apiece. And you, when I come back, I want my book.

MISS WHITE
Sorry. It’s my book now.

JANE
Hey, I changed my mind. Shoot this bitch, will you?

(They laugh.)

EMMA
All right. Everybody cough up some green.

Come on. Throw in a buck.

MISS PINK
Uh-uh. I don’t tip.

EMMA
You don’t tip?

MISS PINK
No – I don’t believe in it.

EMMA
You don’t believe in tipping?

MISS BLUE
You know what these girls make? They make shit. I should know.

MISS PINK
Don’t give me that. She don’t make enough money, she can quit.

(MISS Blonde laughs.)

EMMA
You got a lot of fucking nerve. Let me just get this straight. You don’t ever tip, huh?

MISS PINK
I don’t tip because society says I have to. Alright, I mean I’ll tip if somebody really deserves a tip, if they really put forth the effort, I’ll give ’em something extra, but I mean this tipping automatically is bullshit.

(EMMA laughs.)

I mean as far as I’m concerned they’re just doing their job.

MISS BLUE
Hey, this girl was nice.

MISS PINK
She was OK – but she wasn’t anything special.

MISS BLUE
What’s special, give you a mani and a fucking pedi?

(They laugh.)

EMMA
I’d go over 12% for that.

MISS PINK
Hey Look, I ordered coffee, right? Now we’ve been here a long fuckin time, and she’s only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times

MISS BLONDE
Six times? Well, you know, what if she’s too fucking busy?

MISS PINK
Words “too fucking busy” shouldn’t be in a waitress’ vocabulary.

EMMA
Excuse me, MISS Pink – the last fucking thing you need’s another cup of coffee.

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